Tom Cruise.....for real??

SB episode 2:

I was totally poundin this steak with my girlfriend at Applebee's, and I says to myself, "Why should I have to pay for somethin than somebody was gonna eat anyway?" That thought to myself was quite the epiphany. I mean, really, someone is gonna have to eat it or throw it away, so why should I have to pay! My girlie thought I'ze the smartest. So we started mackin heavy until the windows in the house fogged up. Next think I know, bam! Hickie on my eyeball! Man, 'bout sucked my ball right out! So, that's why I'ze sportin new shades, ya know. While I'ze crusin in my new shades, I remembered all that mucus that was a brewin while we'z mackin. I think she's carryin some crazy monkey virus! So I'ze paruzin the local rx shop for drugs, when I realized, I gots no ching ching! Howz I gonna pay for it? The cool thang is that I can totally read dos drugs names. I learnin lots at school deez days! Gonna be a genius SB, I no it.

Sphincter Says What..

Sphincter Boy episode 1:

While swerving through town early one morning, I decided I would frequent a local eatery for breakfast. While masticating my delicious bacon, I thought it would be a great idea to quietly sneak out without paying my bill. In the process I saw some flickering jewel-like change in a fancy jar with a picture of a homeless child. I thought to myself....ooohhhh, that's so shiny, I bet there is at least 1/4 of a billion dollars in that there jar. I quickly stashed it under my member's only jacket and sprinted for the finish line. Ol' Bessie was rip-roarin ready to hit the streets. I slid across the hood, dove in, and punched it. It wasn't long before the fuzz caught wind and chased me down. Ol' Bessie was rollin at a smokin 36.5 mph when they caught up. Jack (Daniels) was tellin me to head for the border, but it was too late. Ol' Bessie sputtered and now I'm sittin in purgatory, wonderin who's gonna bail me out of this one???? I says to myself, you dun did dooz it dis time. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. PS There was only $2.37 in that damn jar. I hope that kid never finds a home.